Blood Moons and Rabbi Jonathan Cahn


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In 2017 Rabbi Jonathan Cahn predicted disaster following the blood moon. Nothing happened! It would seem that Rabbi Jonathan Cahn is a false prophet who has followed his own spirit and seen nothing. The rabbi did have one interesting thought though. I’ll let him tell you.

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I did prophesy that I would get a sick stomach from eating Jim Bakker’s survival food and did that prophecy ever pan out. My tummy is on fire. And I wish Lori Bakker would stop muttering after every comment. She is driving me crazy.

GLOBAL WARMING


Is there such an entity as global warming? Politicians like Al Gore have been running about for years warning against it. But does even Gore realize that along the prophetic line of the future that God has arranged a second earth for us? Be patient Al, for you get the egg by hatching it open, not by smashing it.

An Interview with David C Packq


I am interviewing David C Pack the self-appointed leader of the Restored Church of God. Thank you for having me here and my Ministry is based in Ohio. You might not know this but we are called the Buckeye state. Yes, I did know that. May I call you David? Heavens no, please call me by the title I was bestowed upon, that of apostle. May I ask who appointed you to that position? Why, myself of course. But apostle, wouldn’t that set a precedent for anyone to claim that they were an apostle or even prophet for that matter? For some I would say yes, but not for myself. According to the book of Acts an Apostle must have been present at the resurrection of Jesus Christ? Why does everyone have to quote the Bible? My congregation believes I am an apostle because I told them I was. In fact I am also Elijah the prophet. Apostle, this is starting to get a bit weird. Are you now declaring that you are the Prophet Elijah? Of course I am. Why does that surprise you? Well apostle, I am interviewing you in your multimillion-dollar estate which is not the brook Kidron? And I’m sure you’re not being fed by the Ravens? Again you’re relating to biblical information? Questions like that can confuse my congregation? If the Baltimore Ravens want to see me they most certainly can. Apostle, I was referring to the bird Raven not the Baltimore Ravens. Oh excuse me, Apostle’s at times make mistakes. In the Bible didn’t Jezebel once make herself into a prophetess? I must ask you sir do you have a fetish on the Bible for you’re always quoting it? You mean you don’t think an apostle should quote the Bible? I can answer that easily. Since I am a self-appointed apostle I can declare what I choose to declare because I’m Apostolic Authority. But apostle, you yourself gave you that Authority? How can we make sure that you are telling us the whole truth? Because I am an apostle and my authority must not be questioned in this church. All those that oppose me are asked to leave immediately. Apostle, you are sounding a little bit like Diotrphes who loved the preeminence. Those that disagreed with him he also kicked out of the church. Yes, I know what you mean and he is my idol of sorts. We are both Cut From the Same Cloth. Do you know what I think sir? I believe I asked you to call me apostle? I think I’d rather call you a heretic sir and I believe this interview is at an end. Only when I say it is over. Oh it’s over and I’m out of here so over and out you heretic. He will regret saying that to me as God will punish him severely. Imagine? Him challenging my authority as an apostle? What is the world coming to?

An astonishing and horrible thing has been committed in the land. The prophets prophesied falsely, the priests rule by their own power, and MY PEOPLE LOVE TO HAVE IT SO. But what will you do in the end? Jeremiah 5:30-31.

ABRACADABRA ARAMAIC



The One Catholic gambit has always been you can’t go wrong on Aramaic except where abracadabra has been, for it was there first. There is no connection to the rock Peter except by speculation and definitely no comparison to the RCC.  In truth, it should have been called the Abracadabra Roman Catholic Church.  In that way you don’t need the  Catholic Canon. Or the Catechism or anything else. You have the ever so trusty Abracadabric Aramaic to see you through. What a friend!

THE GATES OF HELL HAVE ALREADY DESTROYED THE RCC


The RCC was destroyed in the  year  1500 in its first major split.  It broke apart from The Greek Orthodox Church. And it’s never been the same since.

Not to worry. We have the Abracadabra Encyclopedia Insurance Guarantee that what we do is right.As usual we just add in what we want.  And,Bingo! Sorry, that’s a word we support our gambling operations with. Catholics wanted to go into statues and idolatry and for a time there three popes in operation at the same time! And ever since 1524, they haven’t  FORGIVEN each  over. The sin of schism hangs ugly over their heads to this very day. What they have become are two denominations. We had to get off the stick and partner with abracadabra again. What about Scripture?

14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Now we might have a problem with that text that even abracadabra can’t fix? Hmmm?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tower to Copeland


Tower to Learjet, Tower to Learjet, come in please. This is Kenneth Copeland of the plane truth. Are you with Herbert W Armstrong’s bunch? I believe he publishes the plain truth. He spelled his plane a little differently besides he’s deceased. Let the dead rest in peace please. Tower to Learjet, are you coming in for a landing? No I think I’ll fly around a lot longer today. After all the ministry’s paying for the gas. And ain’t that a gas! Tower to Learjet, how did you swing that deal? You gotta know when to fold and know when to play them. By the way you can call me Sky King because I rule the skies. If I feel lucky I may even drag Jesse Duplantis’ weird jet. Tower to Learjet, weird jet? Old Jesse purchased one of my old Lear Jets for a paltry 4 million. It slips in second. Tower to Learjet, did you say he bought your old rear? Not rear, LEAR! Get your ears cleaned out. How’d you like to hear my latest song? Tower to Learjet, we’re losing our signal, thank God.

You know, old Jessie might like my rear? He’s kind of funny that way.

Presidential News Conference


Before I take questions I’d like to make a statement. I put Hillary Clinton up for nomination to be the US ambassador in outer Mongolia. Bill Clinton will be the ambassador to Paradise Island where, if my Wonder Woman comic books are correct, there are no men. Questions? No, I’m not at all concerned the cancellation of the North Korean conference. I did cancel it because it interfered with the golf tournament I’m sponsoring in Florida on my umpteenth working vacation. I did offer their leader an opportunity of a lifetime to be my personal Caddy in that tournament. Yes? Am I upset because Germany has the first Chrislam temple? What is Chrislam? Next question please? Who will my next State Dinner be with? That is a very good question. I think I’ll be roasting Una Merkel of Germany with the master of ceremonies being Don Rickles. Una deserves a good dressing down so get her a bib for her Thousand Island. Una? That sounds like a love greeting from Fred Flintstone to his wife Wilma. Next question? How do I stand on the new trade agreement with China? Why straight up of course because I hate someone who slouches. Next? Who would I like to run against in the next election? I mean does it really matter? Whoever I run against they’re bound to lose because I’m the greatest thing in Washington since the Senators left town. By the way is my hair looking good today? I have a meeting with my spiritual advisor Paula White after this news conference. She’s a knockout Beauty not that it matters to me of course. I’m the president and I will act presidential as normal. I plan to take her out to my favorite restaurant where we can discuss spiritual concerns of our country. Oh yes, tell Paula we’re going dutch as usual. How do you think I became a millionaire? What did I think of the royal wedding? I didn’t watch it as I was involved at a top-secret meeting at Camp David with a very important world leader. You know for the life of me I thought Mickey Mouse was a real Mouse. I must admit that I regretted meeting that rodent under top security measures. Where was my National Security advisor at this time? Oh, that explains it. I was just informed by vice president Pence that my National Security advisor was involved in a top-level meeting with Senator Warren. You know, Pocahontas. Yes next question?. Jeb Bush? No I don’t think Jed will run against me in the primary. He’s filming the next episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. What? Oh that’s Jed not Jeb. Well they both sound alike how was I to know the difference? One last question? What do I think about the active volcano in Hawaii? I’m glad you asked that question. Arkansas is thinking of moving Hot Springs there. Does that answer your question? Very well. Thank you for coming and God bless America as well as myself.

Blood Moon Cahn



My name is Rabbi Jonathan Cahn and I am here today to discuss with you about blood moons. I predicted that last October 2017 something significant would happen during the blood moon. I appeared on several television programs with my predictions. I am ready to take questions on this subject. Yes, why did nothing spectacular happen? My initial prophecy took place on the Jim Bakker Show and I was so overwhelmed by his black bean burgers survival food that I couldn’t prophesy anything worth beans that day. To top it off, I had to listen to the incessant Lori Bakker saying, Uh Huh, for an entire one hour. My prophecy pooper was shot. Yes, what do I think of Jim Bakker? I think brother Jim should retire and stop selling his survival food which is loaded with salt. That would be my prediction for 2018 that Jim Bakker will retire with all the money he’s cheated people out of. I should have said that John Hagee also was preaching about the blood moon. He later recanted his prophecy saying that it was only a humorous speech. You know he always tries to up Jesse Duplantis one. I wrote the Harbinger as a fictional work but everyone took it seriously. What could I do but make some hay out of it? Yes, why am I wrong on my prophecy so often? Because God doesn’t back me up on what I say. He shows me no respect. Yes, am I a Messianic Jew? You know I always ask myself that question and I really don’t have a reason why? Yes, what do I think of John Hagee? John and I have discussed this issue at length and I believe he will soon be going to Jenny Craig to lose some weight. That is a prediction I stand on. Yes, why am I doing what I do? It beats working at my dad’s Delicatessen. If I worked there much longer I would look like John Hagee. One final question. Yes, how do I react when my prophecies don’t come true? That’s a very good question. I meditate in a yoga position asking God this question. Why is it me, why is it always me? Somebody up there hates me. Thank you for attending my news conference and before you leave please insert a $100 bill in the slot provided or the door will not open to let you out. Shalom!

Make a Joyful Noise


I was teaching a Sunday school class a few years ago on making a Joyful Noise before the Lord. Suddenly I asked my class to stand. There were hymnals at their chairs and I asked them to turn to a particular song. To their surprise, I asked them to join with me in singing a verse. You could have heard a pin drop as it was a lackluster attempt. So I turned my attention to an immortal sentence that we’ve all heard before. You might remember that when the Lord was calling to Samuel, the prophet thought Eli was calling him a couple of times before he discerned that it was the voice of the Lord. I preached a sermon on that called, Do You Hear What I Hear? So I used Sergeant Carter’s line, I can’t hear you? We tried the song again and it was somewhat louder but when I mentioned Carter’s line again, the third time was a charm. They sang beautifully and with gusto. The pastor was present and was so excited about morning worship coming up. He couldn’t wait for the first song. But during that first song you could have heard a pin drop again. The lesson didn’t take. That is until the Pastor said, I can’t hear you?

Roman Catholic Sign Humor


Oh, no, Kent is eating the fat free abracadabra wafers this time around and I know why. He wants to fit through that eye of a needle.Gee, doc, you were supposed to build your church on Jesus Christ? Didn’t Bishop Sheen tell you that? Sheen once told Schuller that Catholics were considering a drive through confessional, Toot and tell or go to hell. Now that one was pretty good. And they keep a roaming away from the Bible to the catechism. But closed from Easter to Christmas Eve to count all their offerings. If Catholics took a vow of poverty, how come they live in luxury?

The Doctrine of The Three Little Pigs


Our characters in the story are the two prodigal pigs, the wise Pig, and the bad rap wolf. The Three Little Pigs set out to build their homes. The wise Pig began to build a strong Foundation for his brick home. The two prodigal pigs chose not to build solid homes and just put their homes together with wood, hay, and straw. They were done in no time and began singing and dancing. Meanwhile the bad rap wolf came down from the forest looking for bacon. He saw the two prodigal pigs singing and dancing and began chasing them. They ran into their quickly built homes. The wolf huffed and puffed and blew both of their homes down. The two prodigal pigs hustled to their brother’s house and ran inside locking the door behind them. The bad rap wolf stood outside and huffed and puffed and puffed and huffed but he could not blow The Brick House Down. The wolf then looked upward but not in prayer. He spotted the chimney and thought of another way into the house. Just like Satan for when he cannot get direct access to us he looks upwards to our minds. He began to snicker as he climbed up to the roof and then lowered himself into the chimney with thoughts of bacon and ham in his memory. What he did not know was that the wise Pig had a cauldron of hot water below. In a few seconds the Wolf shot up the chimney like a missile holding his backsides. He ran back into the forest howling. The two prodigal pigs again began singing and dancing. The wise pig waved his finger at them saying, take heed on how you build your foundation. Wood, hay, and straw didn’t cut it. As the wise Pig served up dinner the two prodigal pigs asked what they were having? the wise Pig smiled saying, why rump roast of course. The moral of this story is take heed on how you build your foundation. If it isn’t built on Jesus Christ it will not last.

Jim Bakker vs Jesus Christ


This is Jim Bakker speaking to you from Morningside. Today I understand that Jesus Christ will be making one statement but first I would like to talk about my survival food that you will be needing in the dark times ahead. If I were you I would stock up with the seven year plan. Ben Franklin said that we should be prepared. Boy Scouts say that too and I should know because I was once a den mother. Be prepared for what’s coming. Now I know my food is overpriced and doesn’t have the best taste but it will sustain you through the Great Tribulation. Now I Think Jesus would like to say something.

Wow! That blows my whole gig! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before? Just like in my first Advent I had never seen Matthew 6:24 before. I think Matthew was against me. Sufficient for the day is the troubles there in? Do not worry about tomorrow? Ben Franklin says we should plan ahead! What am I to do?

This is outrageous! How can I counter Jesus’ words? What about all those words I studied in prison? Could I be wrong and Jesus right?